he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
