This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
