i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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