If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
