the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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