dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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