the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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