I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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