It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
