Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
