Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
