I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
