did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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