Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
