Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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