the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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