She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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