....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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