She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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