my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
