Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
