Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
