She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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