Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
