Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
