When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
