two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
