I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I want to be your penis for a week.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
