Welp...herpes.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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