This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
