Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So squirting runs in the family.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
