the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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