I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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