Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
