Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
