Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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