if i can run in heels then i can drive
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
