do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
