im gay
i know
yea but for you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
