I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
