did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
