you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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