I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
