Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
