I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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