Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
