Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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