She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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