I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
And then he peed in my hair
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