I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
