I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
