Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
