i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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