seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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