I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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