I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
