Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
