jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
