Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
