Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
