Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Sorry my hands just texted you
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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