I'm gonna have a badass scar
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
