Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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