fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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