I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize